An Open Letter To The Guy Who Broke Into My Car Last Night

Dear Inept Thief,

Get a job, you bum. You're certainly not going to make a living as a car stereo thief. I will admit you got off to a good start, breaking the small triangular window in the backseat as to minimize my repair costs (is this a "professional courtesy" thing?) and then reaching over to unlock my front passenger door. From the looks of it, you made quick work of the center console, and you didn't have any trouble removing the unit itself. Doing all this while the alarm was blaring probably took a lot of concentration.

But you forgot to take the faceplate! What good is an aftermarket stereo receiver if you don't have the faceplate that goes with it? Apparently you weren't there for the cash, because I had five bucks sitting in the ashtray for a "just in cases" use. You also missed a pair of Oakleys that I so cleverly hid in the carrying case. I know you saw them because it was tossed in the backseat as you went through my armrest console. And I'm really pissed that you broke it off! Only drunk friends are allowed to do that, and even then they catch a beating. But what really grinds my gears is that I found my Counting Crows rare bootleg CD in the driveway. Do you know what kind of trouble I went through to get that? Your poor taste in music is probably the worst thing about all this.

All in all, I think you went to more trouble than it was worth, though this situation will prove to be more annoying for me to rectify. Next time, try to take all the things of value, ok?

Sincerely,
Eric Wang

Tuesday Bloody Tuesday

(The paraphrasing of a known phrase, with a slight modification, is known as a snowclone. Like my title, for instance. Again, I think I've learned more from Wikipedia in 10 months than I have in four and a half years at college.)

When I woke up this morning, the white part of my right eye was all red, and I had eye crusties all over my face. Whether or not these two facts are related to me not having changed my contacts in a while, we'll never know. I just hope its not a mini-aneurysm caused by coughing all night.

And then I got a bloody nose driving back from lunch. Ever try to drive with blood running down your nose and into your mouth, with your head tilted back, and the car swerving all over the road because you're trying to find a napkin? It really makes you appreciate the smaller things in life.

...

I'm choosing a callsign, for when I become in international spy and I'll need a code name. "Dry Heave." I think it's easier to say than "Easy Tiger". Also, all the cool ones like Maverick, Goose, Iceman, Snake Doctor, Dirt Diver, and Cool Breeze were already taken.