Ask Me No Questions

In response to the queries about my previous entry (and to my blog in general), yes, that did actually happen. It's about 95% true, 5% embellished to format it to your screen.

The Best Victory Of My Life

I'm cleaning out my old PSU email account, deciding whether or not I should save certain Xanga subscriptions, when I came across this email. I wrote it at the end of Spring 2005, when I realized that if I didn't get my ducks in a row, I might never graduate. It's an emotional appeal to one of my professors to get him to raise my grade to a C. Not one of my prouder moments, but it had to be done. My request reads as follows:

Rohan,

I wish to discuss the outcome of my EE 324 grade. I am not disputing the results of my final exam score, but instead I would like to explain to you the reasoning behind why my performance on the exam was so low, which led to me receiving a D in the class. I am hoping that you will agree with my reasons and promote my grade to a passing mark.

First of all, let me point out that on both of my previous midterms I received either average or above average marks, that my performance and that of my group's in the lab was more than satisfactory, and that both of my lab partners rated me well in the evaluation. Furthermore, I have attended every review session that you have held for each exam. I do not think that I am a poor student when it comes to EE 324.

That being said, the reasons for my poor final exam performance are thus: I have a roommate who is in charge of the electricity bill at our house. Each month, we all pay him the money for the bill, and we think that he takes care of it. However, on Wednesday, May 4, our power was shut off due to the fact that he has not paid Allegheny Power in four months (He has stolen over $800 dollars from us). We have not had electricity at my house since then, and a week and a half later, he has made no attempt to turn it back on. I have the electricity shut-off notice from Allegheny Power as proof of this matter. My other roommates and I have begun the process of suing him, I have the paperwork of this as proof also.

As a result of this extreme inconvenience, my studying and that of my other roommates was seriously disrupted. Compound this with the added stress of finals week and the burdens of living without electricity (no hot showers, no lights, no self cooked meals, etc) it is easy to see why my final exam grade suffered. I couldn't even sleep at home in my bed, for fear that I would not be able to wake up without an alarm clock. I had to sleep in the HUB and ask a fellow student wake me up in time for my tests.

Rohan, I am a responsible person, and I am more than willing to take responsibility for my actions. However, due to these events that are wholly and completely out of my control, I have unjustly suffered. I need to pass EE 324 for me to be able to graduate in the fall. If I do not, I have no chance of doing so, and I am forced to stay for another semester. I am asking you, as a desperate student to a sympathetic teacher, as one human being to another, to have some compassion and to please promote my grade to a C from a D.

Thank you,
Eric Wang

And his response (six nail-biting weeks later, via automated email) :

Eric W. Wang

Your academic record has been updated for the following course(s).

SEMESTER COURSE SECTION CREDITS
Spring 2005 E E 324 006 3.0

Please go to eLion 'Grades' (http://elion.psu.edu) to obtain this new grade information.



ERIC FOR THE WIN!!!

Troy, Don't Have Kids

Stuff like this really pisses me off. People should not be allowed to have so many rights. Joking! By turning a 5 dollar winning scratch-off ticket into an undeserved $600k, this guy is asking for a lifetime of bad karma. I hope someone sets up a blog where we can follow his day to day activities. I say four months until he gets hit by a car.

Bad Timing

Four times I've gone into the bathroom to try and use my favorite toilet, and four times someone was either sitting on it, or there was olfactory evidence that someone had recently sat on it. Son of a bitch.

Anyway, happy hour is upon us, and as always, the chance for karaoke exists. I am changing my status to "always taking requests", and we'll use my college roommate Danny's rules: It has to be from the '80s, and it has to be sung at least an octave higher than necessary. So far, the frontrunner is "Your Love" by The Outfield.

If your job sucks, you might quit and do what this guy is doing.

And I thought this number would've been a lot higher.

X-Men That Are Only Human

This is the kind of shit that I think about at work when I'm not working. The point of it is, X-abilities that are rendered useless by human flaws.

• Cyclops - has no ears, so he can't wear his special sunglasses. Forced to keep his eyes closed at all times.
• Professor X - can read minds and influence thoughts, but is also a compulsive liar, so no one believes him.
• Wolverine - incredibly low pain threshold.
• Colossus - constantly has the taste of metal in his mouth, like when you chew a piece of aluminum foil. He hates it.
• Storm - sunburns easily, so the weather is always cloudy. Other X-Men constantly harass her by squirting sunscreen lotion on her face.
• Rogue - is a nymphomaniac that doesn't like doing it with a condom. Except she has a horrible personality and no one will even talk to her.
• Iceman - gets cold when it's 71 degrees out. Just like Sally Albright.

In other news, this comes as no surprise.

D'où venons nous? Que sommes nous? Où allons nous?

I was up last night until 3AM talking to my old college roommate Mazz about our respective quarter life crises. Whenever I get in this mood I like to think about one of Gauguin's most famous paintings "Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going?" On some level it's comforting to know that you're not alone in not having figured out the meaning of life.

I've also neglected to write my column for the last three months or so. No longer. I'm spending the rest of my day working on things that I actually enjoy doing.

Also, the Counting Crows have a new live CD out that I'm going to buy today. Which makes infinitely more sense than paying a hundred dollars for this hamburger.

The Best Way To Get Ahead

Following quickly on the heels of my performance review, I received a phone call saying that I had won a free lunch for me and fifteen of my co-workers. Finally, those business cards that I drop in the fishbowls have paid off! I feel this is probably the best way to network and get noticed without having to actually be proficient at your job. They won't teach you that in business school. They also won't tell you that there is such thing as a free lunch.

Progress Report

I had a three hour performance review yesterday where I had to show the higher-ups basically everything I've done in the last two months. (My sister asked, "So what'd you show them, your blog?") Essentially, I put on an elaborate show of smoke and mirrors, at the end of which my manager and project lead told me "Eric, you're doing some really good work here." This comes as a surprise to me, as I was expecting an official reprimand and a pink slip.

Of course it might just be a ploy on their part, to see if I let my guard down, and they start monitoring my internet. I hope not.

Is It Happy Hour Yet?

After listening to Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend", it's now 1) impossible for me to wipe this smile off my face (namely because it's the song The Todd airbands to) and 2) because it's Friday afternoon, dammit. Also they're moving ChatterBox Lady out to her new office all the way on the other side of the building. I've already offered to help twice. I don't mind lifting things.

Uh Oh Spaghetti-Os

I went with my group to lunch with my old boss today. On the way home, I was rolling the window down in my boss' BMW 328i, when I heard a shattering noise, and the window wouldn't respond. Fuck. Then my boss told me that he's had to get a window fixed before, and it cost around 400 dollars. Double fuck. Of course, it's not really my fault, it's BMW's fault for making a shitty window. This would've never happened in a Toyota. Long story short, I'm here at work late. Can't very well leave before he does today, can I? (Also the fact that I got here late today because of a morning doctor's appointment has something to do with it too.)

My Barnification, Part 1 of Many

In keeping with my new outlook on life, I've decided to take the advice of my new idol, Barney from How I Met Your Mother. His advice is simple: Suit up. So I dug out the blazer I bought in February (my first of many expensive purchases), prayed that it matched with the slacks I bought in May (a veritable stroke of luck) and took them to the tailor (haven't even worn them because I never ever ever have an occasion to wear a suit to work). All I need now are shoes that don't say "Sketchers" on the soles and I'm good to go. Phase one of Barnification, complete.

It's either because I'm in love with your daughter or I have a newfound respect for life.

After visiting my friend Mike in Boston (who just got out of stroke rehab), I've developed a new perspective on life. It's the one that says "no more waiting around for things to fall in your lap." Instead, go and get it yourself. Ironic that I'm just now figuring this out, my mom has been telling me this my whole life (in regards to sandwiches, but it applies to all aspects of life). Also I confirmed that my company does provide short term disability insurance.

I've also discovered a "if you don't like it, why are you doing it?" mentality. "The money" should no longer be an acceptable answer. Seeing as how this job is actually very good to me, I've decided to throw myself into it wholeheartedly for a week, and see if my suicidal tendencies go away a little bit.

This could turn out rather well. Or it could turn out like most lifestyle changes I've implemented, and I relapse in a matter of days. We'll find out.

Trimming the Social Fat

I cleared a bunch of people off my buddy list on AIM, maybe a third of my phonebook, and a quarter of my Gmail contacts earlier. It's not really hard to do when you have very few friends, probably due to the fact that I'm used to clearing people in the first place. But really, most of those people were just study buddies (read: I used to copy their homework and exams) that hate me for 1) graduating and 2) getting a job.

Today's Scrubs was My Heavy Meddle, and today's IMDB read was Garden State. I really need something to get me through this week. That and I really want to quit my job.

edit: I think the defining characteristic of someone having their dream job is that they wake up and say, "I can't wait to go to work today." I need to find a job like that.

It Could Be Worse

As much as I complain about my job, I'm still glad I have one. Mainly so I don't have to resort to shit like putting rats in my food to get settlement checks.

Random Thoughts on a Lazy Friday

Every day, without fail, I read the transcript of a Scrubs episode, and the Memorable Quotes of a random movie off IMDB. Today was One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

My workday is so much better after the Mavs win. Even if I do happen to forget my newly loaded and recharged iPod at home.

I've been applying Neosporin to my junk every time I go to the bathroom because I chafed the shit out of it while running. Even the universe conspires to keep me fat.

Now if this isn't the most blatantly obvious piece of news I've ever read...

And if this doesn't show how cheap life can be. Seriously, I'd be pissed if someone only wanted to pay 100 dollars to have me bumped off. I figure I'm worth at least five large.

edit: The phrase "clean your clock" ranks up there with "punch your lights out" in the "funniest ways to describe how you're going to hit someone" catgory.

edit #2: It's impossible to listen to Carl Douglas' "Kung Fu Fighting" without smiling like a dumbass and doing kung fu motions, while imagining you're drunk and singing this song at karaoke.

Inauspicious Beginnings

I woke up this morning to the sound of birds chirping. It was rather enjoyable, despite the fact that I was dressed for work, and sleeping in the parking lot of my office. This is what happens when you have to drive your mom to the airport at 4AM, your office is conveniently located a stone's throw away from DFW International, and the price of gas, though lower in recent days, still costs an arm and a leg.

To make things worse, I had a horrible case of bed head and morning breath, having forgotten to bring both hair gel and a toothbrush with me in my haste to get out of bed this morning (if 4AM counts as morning). I must've said hello to no less than four people as I made my way from the backdoor to the bathroom. And someone was having their morning reading session while I was in there. Someone had tacos last night.

Later today, I spilled water on myself when the ice in my Nalgene shifted awkwardly. The moral of this story is, bad things happen when you sleep for more than an hour in your car.