This Day Is Shot
It's 10AM, my friend Chris just emailed about happy hour tonight, my friend Ewing replied with a list of Dallas happy hour specials, it's a beautiful day to sit out on the patio... Now would be a good time to take my first day off.
The OC Drinking Game
Fucking tornado watch interruped five minutes of the intro to The OC. I hate missing the theme song. Drink twice.
Kid Chino happy and skipping. Chug a beer.
Mr. Bober in AA? Eat pickles!
Also, a Veronica Mars reference? Inject pure gasoline!
edit: Just watched Veronica Mars from Wednesday. Maebe and George Michael having a guest spot? Have an Arrested Development marathon.
Hairmet
The aging hippie that cut my hair last night really reminded me of Leo, from That '70s show. Despite looking like he was three joints away from being a complete tard, I got a pretty good haircut out of him. Too bad good haircuts only last about two weeks for me. Anything after that I start looking like Wolverine. And not in a good way.
I got caught dancing in the break room today. To a little tune in my head called "Travolta got nothin on me." It's a good thing I don't embarass easily.
So Much For No Distractions Today
Company Brochure
I just had my picture taken at my desk for use in the company brochure. I had to pose and pretend I was working. (Good thing I have a lot of experience in that area.) To me, this is the sort of thing that could have warranted an email. I would've gotten a haircut and worn a shirt that didn't say "Mexican Basketball Association: 4th Annual Juan on Juan Tournament."
Thank You For Smoking
A lot of people at my office smoke heavily. It's so freaking gross when I can hear them cough up a mouthful of phlegm and then spit it into their trash can. It's especially gross when I can hear ChatterBox lady do it while on the phone with a customer. Not so cool now, is it?
White Collar Lingo
I think it's absolutely hilarious when older guys (like, 35, 40) try to stay cool by talking young. These are the guys who thinks pizza is the shit, last night's game was the bomb, The Sopranos are steak sauce, and greet their clients on the phone with "Sup?". I'm in earshot of the director of marketing's office, and I really want to tell him that no one says that anymore, just so he can tell me to "talk to the hand."
Quick Movie Thoughts
I watched Inside Man tonight. Very interesting. To avoid spoiling it (read: I'm too lazy to type it up) I won't go into detail. Just watch. Zel is phenomenal.
Also of note:
The trailer for United 93 gave me goosebumps. I'm looking forward to all the 9/11 related movies that are coming out.
Jennifer Aniston looks gorgeous in her new movie with Vince Vaughn. Vince Vaughn is basically playing the same role in this film as he was in Wedding Crashers. Brad Pitt is a big dummy for dumping Jennifer Aniston. Which must mean, Angelina Jolie is way hotter and better in every aspect of life than she is.
Strictly Platonic
Last night, my friend Phamasaurus invited me to her friend's barbecue. We ended up going to a club, and then we ended up at her place. By ended up, I mean, manipulated the terms of the situation where we'd be at her place last while I dropped other people off. Which is fine, that's not the point of the story. The point is, while at her place, we watched I Love Lucy DVDs (this was actually the selling point behind me dropping her off) and fell asleep on the floor. I should probably clarify this point. The girl's been at her apartment for two years, and does not own a couch. My back hasn't hurt this much since Spring Break 2003, where we slept eight to a room and I contracted scabies from our overpacked hotel room.
I did find evidence that she's been to Ikea though. Also, she's named Phamasaurus because her sleep noises closely resemble a character from Jurassic Park.
Discothèque
My cube neighbor's cell phone keeps going off, except he's in the lab and can't hear his phone ring. Whoever's trying to call him must have an emergency, or his wife is a crazy psycho. At least he's got some pretty hip sounding ringtones.
Today is company-wide spring cleaning day at the office. As I was throwing my papers into the recycle bin, I noticed a bunch of romance novels sitting at the bottom. Sleeping With The Boss, The Irish Rogue, Reckless Abandon, etc. Who reads these at the office? In order to discover the identity of this person, I must go into their mind. I must read these romance novels in the name of research.
And also, someone threw out a laptop. I'm taking it home. Free laptop!
An Open Letter To That Ipod Nano Commercial
Fuck you. Stop reminding me that I spend all day in a cubicle. I know. You think you're so great, with your psychedelic album covers and your nifty CGI animation. Your life isn't that good either. You spend all day on people's televisions, and after two months, when people get sick of James Blunt's singles, you'll get redesigned, repackaged, recycled. You're dead after that.
And I'll still spend all day in a cubicle.
The Spirit, Not The Letter
For eight weeks, I've tried to avoid looking at Facebook or installing AIM on my computer at work. Facebook is easy to avoid, but I get really bored if I don't talk to people on occasion. Google chat is probably my biggest waste of productivity right now, with Wikipedia coming in at a close second. I spent an hour yesterday backwards talking with Ewing. Dumb kinda are we. Today much done haven't.
edit: FUCK. WORK. IN THE BAJINGO.
edit #2: I stand corrected. FRICK. WORK. IN THE BAJINGO.
Low Rise Pants Are The Best
I think my favorite part of tonight's Lost was the scene where Sun and Kate are sitting together, waiting for the results of the pregnancy test. Not too often you see the two hottest chicks on Lost sitting together.
edit: Am I the only grammar nerd that caught the glaring typo? Come on!
Brrrrrrr
It's freaking cold outside. I spent a quarter of my life at Penn State, so I'm accustomed to cold weather, but when I come home to Dallas, I expect it to be sunny at 85. Not cloudy at 45. Brrrrr.
Wednesdays are like getting back a test that you know you probably didn't do well on. It's when my weekend spending finally posts to my online credit card statement. I'll study harder next week.
edit: I mentioned this last week, but this chick is hot enough to warrant another go. http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/03/21/charges.dropped/index.html
If she's smart, she'll realize the potential for a reality show in her situation.
Siesta Texas
For about an hour and a half after I eat lunch, my productivity is almost zero. Lunch, in this case, consisted of food packed in a series of Ziploc bags, eaten cold and straight out of the bag with a plastic fork because I'm too lazy to find a paper plate and a microwave. I then proceeded to dip in and out of consciousness, occasionally drooling on my shoulder.
With only three hours left in the work day, I feel compelled to exhibit my inner genius so that I can say that I did something other than discuss last night's 24's mission impossible-ness with my co-workers and look up when Entourage is going to return.
Post-Weekend Depression
I hate Mondays. Especially the Monday after a really good weekend. It's always foggy/rainy, my XM reception isn't good, I have a mountain of work to do, my wrist hurts from carpal tunnel, my lunch doesn't taste as good, and someone always takes the magazines out of the bathroom over the weekend.
This is probably why TV producers decided to make Monday nights the best nights for television, so people have something exciting to watch instead of killing themselves. Back to back action packed thrillers like Prison Break and 24, or slitting my wrists in the bathtub? Tough call. It's a good thing I don't have a TV in my bathroom.
Dick and Fart Jokes
I just remembered this. Apparently circumcision isn't too popular in Taiwan. And the penis graffiti on buses all have their own hoodies.
You Saw It Here First
"I hate being just friends. I'd rather be just married."
I'm using that line in my romantic comedy that I have yet to write. Or think of a plot for. Or do anything other than mildly brainstorm. I'm putting it out here as insurance and proof of concept. If it shows up anywhere else, I'm suing for plagiarism.
Slow day at the office, obviously.
WebMD is No Good For Hypochondriacs
My stomach STILL hurts from Tuesday's chicken-tasting-like-orange-juice incident. It's progressed from feeling like my stomach is in a vise, to just a throbbing pain in my lower right abdominal area. Since Epps is not yet a doctor (and nowhere to be found) I've done some self diagnosis. In the order of most to least likely, the disease that ails me:
- Salmonella poisoning
- Appendicitis
- Mononucleosis
- Irritable bowel syndrome (not likely, I don't have the requisite explosive diarrhea)
- Intestinal parasite
- Liver disease
- Worn away stomach lining due to excessive capsaicin
- Hernia
- Pregnancy
The worst part is I don't get my insurance benefits until May 1st. If I don't die before then. Oh well, fuck it. I'm going to get the equivalent of White Castle tonight after work, and then I'm going to get drunk. It's good to be Irish.
The Good and the Bad
The Good: March Madness starts today.
The Bad: Only three people did brackets in my office.
The Good: It's winner take all.
The Bad: It's 5 dollars a person.
The Good: I'm going to eat at KFC for lunch.
The Bad: My stomach STILL hurts from eating that spoiled chicken on Tuesday.
The Good: Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day!
The Bad: I still haven't bought a shirt that says "Kiss Me, I'm Irish."
edit:
The Good: KFC is freaking cheap!
The Bad: Their chicken fried steak meal is only on Wednesdays.
The Bad: My stomach doesn't like KFC as much as my mouth does.
The Bad: This feels like it's of the explosive variety.
And Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson
A City in China
Am I an asshole for not wanting to tip at certain pho places who do nothing more than bring me my food? They don't check up on me to see if I want anything (more limes), they don't refill my water, they don't do any of the things that you'd expect people in the food service industry to do. I've worked as a waiter, and I usually tip 15-20% for people who show a modicum of effort, but this is ridiculous. And then the Vietnamese lady had the balls to look like I robbed her.
Ok, it's not so funny anymore once they show the late Miss Deaf Texas's picture on the news, but you still have to wonder. Why would a deaf person walk along the train tracks? It's like letting blind people drive. However, the story would shift back to hilarious again if they disclosed the fact that she was still wearing her gown, sash, and tiara while she was text messaging as she got hit.
My sister finally got her bag back. It was at DFW the whole time. The security goons inspecting her bag took the label and nametags off, and forgot to put them back on apparently. These are the geniuses responsible for screening luggage? I'll take my chances with the bowling ball candle and the blowdryer with a scope on it.
My stomach has been hurting all day. It could be the spoiled chicken I ate last night. Or it could be karma telling me to tip even though sometimes the waitstaff doesn't deserve it.
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
My 4Runner is acting up. The Check Engine light is screaming at me to take it in for a tuneup. Last time that light was lit, my car nearly exploded. I try to take good care of Baby (hey, if Danny Tanner can name his car Walter) because she's at the tender age of 182,000 miles. And also in the last year I've spent close to 500 dollars on a new CD player and XM radio. Now she's just sitting in the driveway while I drive my mom's Camry to work, waiting for an opportunity to get to my mechanic. The worst part is regular radio sucks compared to XM. Thirteen dollars a month is definitely worth it to not hear people yammering on like it's their job.
I'm so freaking tired. I couldn't sleep last night for whatever reason, and ended up going to get Whataburger with Jetlagged Ewing at 6AM. We decided to go visit our old high school swim coach, only to find out that he's on spring break. I got about 45 minutes of snooze button interrupted sleep this morning at 8AM. So this morning at work I decided to load up on Mountain Dew. Our vending machine is known for dispensing extra products, but it's never happened for me. Today is my lucky day, I got two for the price of one. It's as if the karmic gods knew that I'd pass out at my desk without them.
My coworker Gary witnessed this fortunate transaction, and mentioned that he's been trying to score a double on that machine for three weeks. He told me that I should go to Vegas. I replied with the fact that I don't get vacation days for another four months. He countered with, "You might not need vacation days after Vegas." True that, double true. I'm not about to blindfold myself and run across lanes of traffic yet, but I think I will go buy lottery tickets tonight after work.
I sleep better at my desk.
Right now, it's almost 4AM. I can't sleep. I have to be at work in five hours, and I don't function well when I don't sleep at least nine. I was about to Google something, and I sat there staring at my keyboard for about thirty seconds while I remembered what I was looking up. It was "Alphaville". I hate not being able to sleep. Tomorrow will be a day of caffeine and dozing off in the car, I can feel it.
I've always heard that alcohol messes up your sleep schedule. It might be true in this case, as I spent the weekend celebrating my friend Ewing's birthday.
Or it might be sympathy worries because Airtran lost my sister's luggage on Friday, and as of Sunday afternoon the whereabouts of that bag are still unknown.
But gun to my head, I think it's guilt due to me missing the premiere of The Sopranos. And also, for not having HBO.
edit: Just finished downloading it, might as well watch since I can't sleep. It's been nearly two years since we've seen Meadow Soprano on TV. And I'm not counting the episode of Newlyweds where she was a guest of Nick and Jessica. She's gotten hotter.
I'm only three big ticket purchases away from not wanting to buy anything else. A camera, camcorder, and new speakers for my car. If I can get all three for under a thousand, that'd be fantastic. I gotta talk to my electronics guy. I gotta get an electronics guy first.
In spades
I'm actually kinda happy to have meetings to go to today (three of them, vs none in the last week). It gets me some face time with the higher ups (not to mention something to freaking do other than read all the new ESPN articles) and show them how brilliant I am. Too bad my next meeting is at 2PM, right when my food coma kicks in.
Fuck it, it's Friday. Only two days till Monday!
How is it only Thursday?
I spent the entire morning reading about least cost routing, existentialism, private branch exchange, Linux From Scratch, Vince Young, Scrubs, current events and necrotizing fasciitis. I think I've learned more in two hours of downtime at work than I did in two weeks at school. God bless Wikipedia.
Thursdays have started to feel a lot like Fridays to me. This is not good. It means the week is 25% longer than I expect it to be, and it also means that one of these days, I'll think it actually is the weekend and sleep in. I'm becoming Dwight Schrute. The highlight of my day is the hour and a half long meeting about a new assignment, so I don't have to scour the internet for topics to read about.
At least Kid Chino is back on The O.C. is on tonight.
edit: My meeting just got pushed back to Friday, which basically means I can save 50 cents by not having to buy a Coke to stay awake. At least I'm getting paid to sit here and look busy.
edit #2: The history of cubicles.
edit #3: They say that morale at a company is inversely proportional to the amount of Dilbert comics displayed on the cubicles. That being said, I have an idea of what prison lifers must feel like after a while: if I don't escape this cube, I'm going to die in here.
i Ay, mi estómago es en fuego!
Last night there were jalapenos on my cheesesteak. This morning, I nearly died from what most certainly felt like ulcerative colitis. Don't get me wrong, I can usually handle really spicy food (Plucker's Fire in the Hole Challenge completed five times) but for some reason these tame little jalapenos nearly killed me. It took a lot of willpower not to pass out or shit myself on my drive to the office.
edit: Wednesdays seem to drag on and on. I don't really have much on my plate today (because I am brilliant/a genius) but I still gotta be physically here. On the plus side, I got picked to write the employee newsletter. My goal of getting paid to write just got that much closer.
Lunch conversation
Remember that one Chris Rock joke, where he says guys with little in common will talk about the most mundane shit, like routes they take to work? It happened today. My group sat at lunch and compared the various highways they took to the office, and how bad traffic is at certain times of day. This is after we couldn't find anything to talk about after the Cowboys, Oscars, and American Idol. Engineers are hilarious.
The Quick Click
While at work, I've noticed that I subconsciously click to something that looks like a work related window when I hear footsteps outside my cube. (This is, of course, assuming that I'm not usually doing work at the time.) I thought I was the only one who did it (again, assuming that I'm the only one who doesn't really respect the eight hour workday) until this morning, when I went to report something to my manager. I watched as he quickly minimized his Wikipedia and Slashdot windows, then clicked on his programming environment before he turned around to talk to me. Work is great, isn't it?
Last night I was calculating how much I could realistically put into my 401K and my subsequent retirement/future/death, when I came across this life expectancy calculator. It turns out, I'll live until I'm 88. Life is great, isn't it?
Only 100 minutes before I can leave
I'm starting to get very good at faking work. All I do is recheck my results from the previous day, and then I go to lunch and attend meetings in the afternoon. I'm so bored I want to kill myself. Blarf.
15% vs 20%
Having met my flash of brilliance quota for the day, I spent the rest of the afternoon in meetings and calculating the difference in my paycheck if I deposited 15% of my salary towards my 401K versus 20%. After taxes and insurance, the difference came down to 85 dollars per paycheck. Is it bad that I'm thinking about retirement already?
edit: Today really feels like Friday, for some reason. Maybe it was the catered lunch, or the nice weather outside. In any case, I hope I don't forget to come in to work tomorrow. Like Dwight Schrute.
False Alarm
So yesterday afternoon, my internet was suddenly disabled. It happened almost immediately after a higher up walked into my cube on accident, looking for it's former occupant. It just so happened that I was reading an article on Slate that prominently featured Anna Nicole Smith. I could just hear it in my head: "It's not what it looks like. Don't tell!"
Fortunately for me, that higher up is someone I have lunch with regularly, and doesn't give a flip. Furthermore, everyone's network was down, due to some misbehaving IP phones. Matrix move, bullet dodged. You'd think I learned my lesson, but I spent the last hour at work yesterday talking to my boss and co-workers about whether or not it was possible to buy a Kevlar vest online. (It is.)
Getting Caught
Those true.com ads are gonna get me fired. Every time I check my email or read some MSN article, there she is, the true.com girl, standing there in her blue or red bikini, smiling at me, tempting me to fondle her with my mouse. I'm sure looking at what might be construed as adult material at work is grounds for dismissal. Then again, checking personal email and blogging might fall under that umbrella too.
