A Woman's Heart Is A Deep Ocean Of Secrets

It's ridiculous what people can and will sue for in this society. Like this broad here.

I'm alternating two songs that are stuck in my head, that I can't wash out no matter what I listen to on my iPod. They are, in order of annoyance, the "booty booty booty booty rockin' everywhere" song, and the theme song to Titanic. Actually, that second one I don't really mind.

Baby (my 4Runner) got an oil change today. It runs so much lighter and smoother. Sonja compared it to taking a much needed dump. Not surprising, considering what she just did for the last ten minutes.

All in all, a pretty slow day. My apple and cucumbers taste like pesticides. Now would be a good time to switch to organic.

edit: I just re-read this. Worthless entry, I am a douche.

Things That Irritate Me (Part 1 of Many)

I've been in the foulest mood this week, due to being sick, being tired, Josh Howard getting injured, and fickleness. So, in no particular order:

• Loose stools.
• Golf magazines in the men's room from February. That don't have pictures of Michelle Wie.
• Traffic on 635 due to idiocy.
• Traffic in general.
• Strings of bad music on XM while waiting in traffic.
• People who wanted things done yesterday.
• Not getting all my questions answered on the season finale of Lost like I was promised.
• Knowing that eventually, all women turn crazy. Like Cameron Diaz's angry tirade to Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky crazy. Word for word.
  

Christians In Action

My cube neighbor Gary was regaling us with tales of how he used to work for the CIA. Naturally, we were less than inclined to believe him, but his knowledge of details finally won me over. Either that or he just spent last night researching and rehearsing a story to tell his co-workers during an afternoon lull. All I know is, I probably shouldn't play poker against him.

John, however, kept interrupting Gary's story by quizzing him on his affiliation with the CIA. It was very Dwight Schrute.

Sick Days

I'm not sure when I start getting paid/excused sick days. Until then, I'll do what I'm currently doing, which is sleep until I don't feel like dying, and then haul my ass to the office, make a big show of saying hi to everyone, so that they think, "Oh, maybe he was here this morning."

Our CEO had an ice maker installed as a birthday present to himself, and also as a communal utility. The damn thing cost a thousand dollars. It's the size of a dorm fridge. Now, I'm in no position to tell him how to spend his money (I mean, he's already paying me) but wouldn't a sno-cone maker seem like a better investment? I'm sure I can get a great sno-cone maker with a ten year supply of syrups for a thousand dollars.

TripleOT Returns

After a 2+ month hiatus, the writers at TripleOT have decided to bring it back. This is after we missed out on bonanzas like March Madness, the NFL draft, Barry Bonds, Barbaro, girls hazing other girls, and the first two rounds of the NBA playoffs. But no more. It's back.

Executive Washroom, Found!

Acting on a tip from my co-worker Scott, I ventured into the unmarked "closet" adjacent to the men's room. Lo and behold, there was the executive washroom, complete with a shower and exercise equipment. Not quite what I expected (gold plated fountains and obedient geishas) but it's nice regardless. I asked around, and they said that I'm allowed to use the shower. This is a positive step towards me getting healthy again by jogging during lunch, after attaining my previous goal of weighing 200 pounds. Which is just as well, there is no "weigh 300 pounds, work from home" clause in the employee handbook.

Quick Thoughts, As I Sit On My Couch

• Drumline is actually a very entertaining movie.
• It's easy to eat the whole tub of ice cream if you're eating out of the tub.
• Buying plane tickets from Hotwire is like playing Russian roulette with time and money.
• Apparently Marissa Cooper dies tonight.
• I want to sleep for the next 18 hours.
  

Paint Chips

They're painting the walls now, and I'm starting to see pink elephants and X-Men in my cube. I should really take these stuffed animals home.

Twice I went to the bathroom, only to find someone sitting on my toilet, reading my magazines, using my toilet paper. Not my time, I guess.

After maxing out my 401k contribution, and deducting taxes and costs for benefits, I make less than a janitor. Do you know what it's like to have a janitor make more money than you?

My boss is taking a day off because he's getting new furniture delivered. I can't wait until I get vacation days for bullshit like that.

...and then I took my morning poop.

And all is right with the world. Something about the release of endorphins or some other medical explanation for all my gripes being flushed down the toilet. It feels similar to the euphoria experienced after you have some alone time. Try worrying about anything right afterwards. You can't do it.

Idling

I idled this morning for an hour. And this was even before I got to work. Some asshole decided to have an accident that took up three lanes of traffic, turning my 25 minute drive into an hour long suckfest. (And no one died. If someone is going to cause all these people this major inconvenience, I expect them to die a horrible death. Just kidding karma!)

Moreover, I'm getting kind of scared at how good I am at doing nothing. I'm really just idling my day away, staying off of people's radars, and putting in my eight hours until it's time to go home. This is not good for my feeling of self worth.

Fact or Crap?

My co-worker Stig has a daily calendar on his desk, and each day there is a new piece of trivia on it. Or so I thought. Upon closer inspection, it's one of those where you have to guess fact or crap. That only took me two weeks to figure out. I should've known that slugs don't have two separate brains.

So, in the same vein, seven pieces of mis/information for you to guess at.

• I read at least ten Dilbert cartoons a day, when I'm supposed to only read one off my daily calendar.
• My favorite salad is potato salad. Fruit salad is a close second.
• I'd almost always rather be sleeping.
• I giggle/get angry when people pronounce pho "foe" instead of "fuh".
• I can probably bench press 2oo pounds once. In a life or death scenario. With a spotter.
• Pooping at work is more enjoyable for me than pooping at home, because the toilet paper at work is more abrasive.
• The Jim/Pam relationship on The Office is probably my favorite out of every relationship I've ever seen on TV.
  

Cube Decor

We got Visual Studio 2005 today. The box came with two awesome posters of Mr. Infinity and The Professor, who personify Microsoft's new features. Nerdery be damned, all the guys in my group immediately reached for the pushpins to affix these to our bland cube walls. Now if only HR was this cool about my Girls of Happy Valley calendar.

Our company had a drawing to give out tickets for the Byron Nelson championship, a golf something or other. I considered entering my name, but since I don't care about golf, I end up just giving the ticket to someone else who wanted it. Or if I was really a dick, sell it to them. On eBay.

Saved By The Nap

My boss got rear ended today on the way to lunch, while driving the rest of my group members. I managed to miss out on a car accident by skipping out to "lunch" early, and instead spent my time snoring under a tree. (It's a good thing my co-worker Brodie wasn't there today, she stole my spot on Monday.)

There are a bunch of guys here working on the remodeling. One of them is on stilts, caulking/painting the wall. I wonder when nobody's looking, if they goof around by having one guy run through the other guys legs. Or if they engage in stilt jousting. I hope the answer is yes.

Finally! My nameplate has arrived! I feel very professional! There's velcro on the back so it sticks to the outside of my cube. Very permanently. One more step on the road of this job being my coffin. Suddenly I'm not so excited.

Ball on for Mike!

Mike and I, demonstrating proper bro-cart technique.

And here he is, in the middle of a bro sandwich.

Mike had a stroke last Thursday night. Here's to a speedy recovery, bro.

From the "Who Cares" Department

I think CNN (along with basically every other media outlet in the United States) is full of shit. Someone tell me how this is news, but that 8.0 earthquake yesterday in the South Pacific is all but forgotten.

We had lunch today with my old boss. I don't remember the name of the restaurant, but the food (Mexican) was awesome, and the place was surrounded by strip clubs. More than once, my co-workers got my hopes up by suggesting we eat at a buffet of one of the neighboring establishments instead. Just kidding, rook.

I napped for an hour in Dr. Cox's waiting room today. The guy is amazing. He has an MD, a JD, and an MBA. He's the corporate professional equivalent of one stop shopping.

My New Doctor

I chose my new doctor based on how close his office was to my office and how young he is, thereby determining how much he'll judge me for the numerous ailments I bring to his attention. As I was going down the list, I decided on a Dr. Cox. Because, yes, I am that big of a Scrubs nerd.

They're tarring the roof today to seal the new air conditioning unit. I feel lightheaded, buzzed almost. Like I smoked three packs of cigarettes in a row. The menthol kind.

Ever decide to stay late at the office because you realized you did absolutely nothing all day? Just me? Ok.

Not My Day

I woke up this morning barely able to breathe, like that feeling you get when you power-eat a dozen White Castle Sliders in five minutes. Except that it doesn't go away ever.

I left my windows open in my car last night because the weather was fantastic. The weather decided to rain all over the place. Great.

A sudden twist of irony brought a maintenance crew over to fix the busted fire hydrant across the street, requiring the water to be turned off at my house. This coincided with my morning cleanliness ritual, and certainly fucked with my morning "reading time". I had to use Brita water to brush my teeth.

The zipper on my dress code regulation khakis won't stay up. Twice today I've been asked if I was selling hot dogs, Mac.

The good news is, short of me simultaneously getting hit by lightning and my car falling into a sinkhole, this day can only go uphill.