The Perks of Being a CubeFlower
Dear Friend,
Today marks the last day of my probation period. This means, after today, they'll need a documented paper trail to fire me. (I hope this blog doesn't count.) It also means starting Monday I get my 401K and medical benefits. That's great news for a hypochondriac like me. I've already made a list of things I want four different doctors to look at. Co-pay, bitch!
In my three months here, I've gotten used to spending a third of my day in this cubicle. It's a little unnerving to realize that this is the longest I've ever been employed at any one job. After a while, it grows on you. If you set up your mirrors right, keep the volume on your iPod down, and utilize the alt-tab function, everyone will always think you're hard at work. No one will ever know that you're actually on GMail chat with your hand down your pants.
Cubicle life is routine, and then more routine. Meetings every Wednesday and Friday. Making fun of my older co-workers for being old. Telling them that their daughters are attractive every time they get off the phone with them. All in good fun, of course. I have my customary twenty minute post-meal nap, and my morning and afternoon "reading sessions". A paycheck twice a month. Counting the minutes until happy hour starting Friday after lunch. A guy could get used to this.
All in all, I suppose I could do a lot worse.
Love always,
Eric
Demo Dick
I'm currently reading Rogue Warrior, it's a book by Richard Marcinko detailing his Navy SEAL exploits in the Vietnam War, and how he went on to form SEAL Team Six, the best counter-terrorist group in the world. In my opinion, the most exciting part about being a SEAL is the HALO insertion, or High Altitude, Low Opening parachuting. With that in mind, I went bungee jumping last night with some of my friends.
I'm not scared of heights so much as I am scared of pulling the trigger. I'd like to imagine that I'm one of the paratroopers in Band of Brothers, standing in the door and then calmly stepping out of the plane. In actuality, this is nowhere near the case. I stood at the edge, seriously concerned for my safety, as the jumpmaster and my friends shouted encouragement in the form of emasculating insults. All I had to do was pull the trigger.
And it wasn't so bad. We ended up doing a 100 foot (3 second) freefall after that.
My boss is still out sick, but we got the email today that said he might be making it to work in the afternoon. I think that's just one of those things you say to the people you work with to not seem like a bum, and I doubt he'll be in today. Mainly because he lives 35 miles away. And I doubt a man recovering from the flu really wants to drive 70 miles just to put in 4 hours at the office.
Danger #437 of napping in your car: Eye allergies. I'm like Cyclops right now. Minus the cool special ability. And the banging Jean Grey part.
Remodeling started today at the office. There are a bunch of guys with sledgehammers smashing things. If I didn't need this job, that's totally what I'd do for a living.
Fire Extinguisher
I think the music for my morning drive is a good indicator of how my day will go. I had eight great songs in a row on Mix XM.
Most of today was spent putting out the fires that (through mostly no fault of my own) started yesterday. The biggest one was my GUI design getting erased because Microsoft's Visual Studio has it's period once every three months. I'm just glad I thought to take screenshots last week so I had something to work with. And also, I have the emotional maturity of a fifteen year old boy. But other than that, my day got progressively better.
I like Wednesdays, because an order of chicken fried steak and two sides are only 1.99 at KFC. At that price, how do you not get two of them? Is it bad that I'm happy when I don't get diarrhea after eating something questionable?
My boss hasn't been here all week. He's called in sick three days in a row now. Either he's deathly ill, or is nursing the world's awesomest hangover. Well, he's not me, so I'm gonna go with answer A.
I got my new work computer today. Try to not get an erection while I read you the stats: 3 GHz Pentium, 2 gigs of RAM, a DVD +/- burner (16x), and a 19 inch LCD screen. I can't help but think this is a brilliant management plan to keep us at work longer.
The Workout Of Life
Kind of like the first rep you do in a set, Monday sets the tone for the rest of the week. If it's easy, happy hour on Friday is here before you know it. If you wake up with a rash, an eye allergy, powerlifting induced back spasms, and hit every possible red light on the way to work, then it's another story.
I wonder if you can invest in barrels of oil. The people who do probably made a killing this last month. According to the president of OPEC, the price of oil is supposed to drop to the high 50s or low 60s. I'll believe it when I see it.
Canada, Eh? Almost Made It.
The power was out this morning when I got to the office. Everyone was sitting around in the dark, telling stories and bullshitting. As is the case when a group of guys get together, the conversation eventually led to tales of drunkenness, sexual conquests, and farting. I almost convinced everyone to head over to The Lodge for their Legs & Eggs morning special.
Anyway, we decide (and the ranking manager agreed) that if the power wasn't back on by noon, we'd pack it in and call it a day. Guys are crowded by the official office clock. It was like the "five minute rule" scene from Saved By The Bell. Sadly, much like the five minute rule, it didn't take. The power kicked back on at 11:55, to our chagrin. Next time, Gadget, next time.
Two links today:
How cool (pun intended) is this?
Proving once again that women are dumber than men.
Office Vs. Warehouse
Listen, here's the thing. If you can't spot the Dwight Schrute in the first half hour at the office, then you ARE Dwight Schrute.
I really hate it when the warehouse guys come over to set up stuff. They're loud and they smell bad from being in the warehouse all day. I mean, they're nice guys, but they kind of disturb my "napping throughout the afternoon" policy. The worst part is how they use the bathroom but don't clean up. I think it's some twisted game they play on us, like, "who can go the longest without drinking anything, and then pee the color of antifreeze all over the toilet seat" and "let's spray diarrhea all over the toilet bowl and then not flush."
Don't Be Afraid To Succeed
My friend Trandy just sent me this via AIM:
Maxim Magazine is looking for an experienced fact-checker to work in
the research department on a full-time freelance basis.
A good sense of humor, appreciation for pop culture, and willingness
to work long hours on short notice are an absolute must.
The ideal candidate will have at least one year fact-checking
experience, but individuals with strong editorial research experience
should still apply. Applicants must be willing to work in-house at the
Maxim office on a full-time basis.
Health benefits and 401k are not included, but this is a steady
position and, for those interested, may offer the opportunity to pitch
and write for the magazine. Please contact jobs@maximmag.com, address your cover letter to the research chief.
This is one of those gut-check moments where you find out who you really are. In the event that I get the offer, do I quit my job and go? I'm a little hesitant at the idea. Some might say I've gotten comfortable here. Others might say I'm stuck in a rut. I guess I'll decide when the time comes.
Lazy Sunday
My away message read "Lazy Sunday." My old college roommate Dan responds with the following:
Professa 3000 (6:42:57 PM): lazy sunday
Auto response from ericwangx (6:42:57 PM): lazy sunday.
Professa 3000 (6:43:08 PM) : wake up in the late afternoon. call e-wang just to see what he's doin
Professa 3000 (6:43:12 PM) : HELLO?
Professa 3000 (6:43:14 PM) : what up wang
Professa 3000 (6:43:21 PM) : yo langlitz, whats crackin??
Professa 3000 (6:43:27 PM) : are you thinkin what i'm thinkin?
Professa 3000 (6:43:34 PM) : CB!! MAN, IT'S HAPPENIN!
Professa 3000 (6:46:18 PM) : yo my hunger pains are stickin like duct tape, let's go for 5 plates and then we'll get cupcakes
Professa 3000 (6:51:07 PM) : you know that CB's got all the bomb options, i love that buffet like mcadams loves joselyn
Professa 3000 (6:52:01 PM) : 2, no 6, no 12, baker's dozen! i told you that i'm gonna eat like 30 plates, cousin
Professa 3000 (6:53:33 PM) : yo how's your stomach feelin? kinda woozy, dude. i think you'll feel much better when you take a poop.
Professa 3000 (6:59:49 PM) : how bout i go get you some egg drop soup?
Auto response from ericwangx (6:59:49 PM): lazy sunday.
Professa 3000 (7:00:04 PM) : i prefer hot and sour...that's a good one too!
Professa 3000 (7:00:43 PM) : coconut shrimp is the best, true that, double true!
Professa 3000 (7:04:53 PM) : back to south allen street...STEP ON IT SUCKA!
Professa 3000 (7:04:56 PM) : what you gonna do?
Professa 3000 (7:05:04 PM) : LA-SHI MOTHAFUCKA!!
(Note: CB means college buffet, where we used to go every Sunday and stuff our faces with Chinese food. Appropriately, la-shi means diarrhea in Chinese.)
Lunching Shuttlecocks
I went to lunch with some of my co-workers today, and we sat outside to enjoy the beautiful day. It's nice, but I'm starting to think it's one of the cruelest things a person can do to themselves. Not only do I have to go back to the office after lunch, but I have to come to work tomorrow also. Good Friday can't get here fast enough.
This morning, in the middle of my webinar, the demo program crashed, and the instructor muttered "E S A D." I wasn't the only person that got it, but I was the only one that cracked up laughing. Maybe it was his delivery. Or maybe I'm the only one who's still a 22 year old jackass.
How's this for a bit of irony? Despite being kind of miserable every day for eight hours, I apparently have the best job in America. Grass is greener indeed.
The Simple Things, Really
So I was at the pho place close to my office, enjoying a bowl of noodles with eye of round and bible tripe, writing on my laptop, when DC (the CEO of my company) walks over to my table. He and some of the higher ups had just finished lunch and were about to leave. He then says that he's going to pay for my lunch. I of course put up an argument, saying it was unnecessary, but DC would have none of it.
I must admit, right now, I am very enthusiastic about my job. As soon as I finish this entry, I'm going to work like it's my first day. I wonder how long this feeling of diligence is going to last.
What a cool guy. DC is definitely the coolest hood in the City of God.
The Split Screen
In addition to the quick click, I've noticed that some engineers will resize and reposition their Firefox windows so that they can appear to be working. This technique is actually better than the quick click; the key to success is your fat head obscuring the lower portion of your monitor while you read your favorite blog (this one) instead of the telltale noise that everyone is familiar with. The only drawback to this technique is that you drop your guard a little, no longer worrying about those dragging footsteps until they're inside your cube.
Also, I've noticed that some people tend to read manuals a lot after lunch. Usually they position the manual right in front of their keyboards, and then only read the last sentence on the page, forcing them to press their chins against their chests. And often times with their eyes closed. Hiding in plain sight. Genius.
And of course, today being Monday, here is the obligatory 24 mention: Kiefer has signed a 3 year, 40 million dollar contract to play Jack Bauer. Which is good for him, but bad for the unpredictability of the show. So much for them killing off Jack anytime soon.
To Not Do List
Today is the company party to commemorate the new fiscal year. Beer, wine, and snacks will be provided. Therefore, there are certain things that I should keep in mind so that I'll still have a job come Monday.
- Do not get drunk and make an ass out of myself.
- Do not get drunk and make an ass out of myself!
- Do not try to hit on any of my female co-workers.
- Under no circumstances utter the phrase "Fuck yeah bro."
- Do not play a rousing round of Lasers in the bathroom.
- Do not organize a drinking game tournament.
- Do not joke that I minored in drinking games.
- No drinking games, period.
- Don't show up, that's probably the safest bet.
edit: I made reservations for a table for happy hour at Gloria's at 11AM this morning. Talk about checked out.
Everything Is Better After The Rain
My three month performance evaluation is coming up in a couple of weeks, so I figured I'd do some real work today. It was a welcome break to my other tedious job of reading current events and looking up weird things on Google/Wikipedia. Like oral herpes.
We had a thunderstorm earlier. It was amazing, everyone congregated by the windows to observe. I took this opportunity to steal a small tub of potato salad out of the fridge that the company had ordered yesterday to entertain the visiting Japanese emissaries. I was also a little upset that I missed out on this yesterday to go nap in my car. Everything has a price.
Getting Through The Day
If I didn't have to pee so bad, there is no way I would've stayed awake through that meeting.
I used a post-it note to wipe up a puddle of pineapple juice that I spilled.
Napping in my car might turn into a daily occurrence.
Friday can't get here fast enough.
edit: In principle, I'm against these sensationalist stories that aren't real news, but for some reason I still read them. This teacher gives all the other ones that has sex with her students a bad name. Mainly because she's fat and ugly. http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/04/04/teacher.sex/index.html
Poster Child For Productivity
Let's just say yesterday was a bad day to post resolutions, because today I followed none of them. When your most notable achievements for the day are napping in your car at lunch and doing kegels at your desk, it's time to re-evaluate your life. They won't bring me my mail anymore.
New Fiscal Year's Resolutions
The toilet paper today is of a better quality than that of previous months. This can only mean one thing: The new fiscal year is upon us. Seeing as how I was too caught up in my post-graduation bliss when 2006 rang in to want to better myself, I decided to take advantage of this opportunity and make some resolutions.
Work Related:
- Actually do work when at the office
- Stay awake after lunch
- Stay awake before lunch
- Get here closer to 9 than 930
- Talk less on Google Chat
Everything Else:
- Read more books
- Write more columns
- Spend less than 1000 a month
- Drink less
- Every other time I want a Cabana Bowl, tell myself no
- Be more spontaneous
- Listen to one Japanese learning tape each night before going to bed
- Do cardio 4 nights a week
- Get 8 hours of sleep each night
- Don't consider it a personal victory if I only do three of the aforementioned.
